Empire Strikes Back
From Wooo!pedia
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Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back or Quite Possibly The Greatest Movie Ever is the (chronologically) fifth but (in order of filming) second film in the inaccurately named Star Wars Trilogy. Guys, it is so awesome you don’t even know.
The Plot Of The Film With Full Disclosure appears below, even the part where you find out that Darth Vader is Luke’s father.
Contents |
How It Starts
So Luke Skywalker and Han Solo are riding around in the snow on these hairy bipedal lizardy deals called tauntauns and Han peaces out but before Luke can follow him this Abominable Snowman thing called a wampa totally bitchslaps him and gives his tauntaun a Colombian Necktie and drags them off but Han doesn’t notice because he’s already back at Echo Base by then and he yells at Chewbacca to finish fixing the Millennium Falcon so they can leave already and then Han tells Princess Leia that he’s leaving but she acts like she doesn’t care so he gets all uppity and there is SEXUAL TENSION and Leia threatens to kiss Chewie but it’s getting dark out and the droids are all “Where’s Master Luke?” so Han goes out and finds him.
People In The Snow And On Seriously Big Spaceships
So then Luke finds himself upside down in a cave and the wampa goes to eat him but Luke totally cuts its arm off and runs away into the snow and The Ghost of Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan Kenobi tells him to go to Dagobah and find some dude named Yoda but then Han finds him and he cuts open the tauntaun he was riding so Luke can stay warm (so gross) and then the next morning some snowspeeders find them and Luke gets all patched up in the bacta tank and they all go to see Luke, where Han and Leia have another sexual tension argument where she kisses Luke full on the mouth really hard and Luke is totally okay with this because neither of them know they’re related yet but then they find out that there’s an Imperial Probe Droid snooping around so Han and Chewie blow it up by accident because it must have had a self-destruct and then we cut to a Star Destroyer as a shadow comes across it and we are meant to ask wtf can dwarf a Star Destroyer and we get our answer when HOLY CRAP we see the Super Star Destroyer Executor and Darth Vader is on board and Captain Piett’s got a line on the rebels but Admiral Ozzel doesn’t want to hear it but Vader’s all “Do it!” so Ozzel gives Piett the dirtiest look ever and the Rebels figure out their goose is probably cooked and prepare to do the snowy battle.
The Snowy Battle
So then this totally awesome badass guy named General Veers gets sent down to rip the rebels a new one and Darth Vader chokes Admiral Ozzel for being stupid and Captain Piett gets promoted and the rest of the fleet is all, “This is gonna be so easy,” but the rebels shoot them with ion cannons and they are so busted but General Veers knows how to party cause he's got the most awesomest vehicles ever called AT-ATs and they just tromp all over the rebels until Luke and Wedge trip them up with some harpoons & tow cables but not before General Veers totally owned their shield generator and Han got Princess Leia and C-3PO out at the last second and escaped before Darth Vader could catch them but the hyperdrive was busted but Han and Chewie were $$$$ pilots and did some awesome moves and Luke got away with R2-D2 and went to Dagobah like The Ghost of Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan Kenobi told him.
Crazy Asteroids and Awesome Muppet Action
So then Han decides to fly into an asteroid field, which is crazy, but nobody in the Empire is hardcore like Han and Chewie so they totally get away with it and hide in a cave but Luke is a douche so he crashes into the swamp and a monster eats R2-D2 and spits him out and they meet up with this Muppet who is actually Yoda but they don’t know that right away because he’s throwing around granola bars and undefined plastic items that couldn’t conceivably have been broken despite Luke’s claims to the contrary and Darth Vader is so pissed he is spitting tacks he is taking his helmet off and putting it on again he is choking his minions left and right because they are so totally friggin’ inept and Han and everybody try to fix the Falcon while they’ve got some time and since caves are dark, wet places Han is thinking about maybe getting it on but Leia is playing hard-to-get but she does allow him to give her a kiss which was tactlessly interrupted by C-3PO and the Emperor calls up Vader on the Holonet phone and is like “What is the deal here, Darth?” and Vader’s all, “Dude, I dunno man,” and the Emperor’s like, “Get it together, jerkface!” and Luke learns all about how to be a Jedi by picking up boxes with his mind and doing flips in the jungle with a Muppet on his back but everybody on the Falcon is like “What’s that noise outside?” and it turns out there’s mynocks but what’s worse is that they realize they are inside a space slug and decide to leave, which I really don’t get because they seemed to be safe enough there inside a space slug but I guess the plot must move forward.
The Best Part
So then Darth Vader figures since he got chewed out by his boss and his fleet is crewed by monkeyboys he should maybe get serious here so he hires a bunch of bounty hunters including the galaxy’s biggest badass, Boba Fett, to catch the Millennium Falcon and just then the Falcon exits the asteroid field but pulls another awesome move and hides in some Star Destroyer garbage where Han decides to see his pal Lando Calrissian who lives at Cloud City in beautiful sunny Bespin but despite Han’s garbage ruse Boba Fett still knows what’s up and the Imperials totally beat Han to Bespin and set the grandmother of all traps for them so when they land there Lando’s all being WAY TOO NICE and who knows what to make of his pal Lobot but then C-3PO gets blown up but Luke is still training to be a Jedi and sees a vision of his friends being hurt but Yoda and The Ghost of Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan Kenobi tell him not to go because he’s not done with the training the training you must complete your training but Luke’s a douche and doesn’t listen and Darth Vader tortures Han and they make Chewie listen to German techno and put C-3PO back together and it becomes apparent that Lando’s a good guy but he’s getting totally screwed over in his deal with Darth Vader and they decide to turn Han into a frozen chocolate bar but Boba Fett don’t care so long as muthatrucka gets PAID and Han is about to get turned into a chocolate bar so Leia gets all emotional and says, “I love you,” and Han’s way up there as a badass (not quite up to Boba Fett standards, though) so he’s all, “I know,” and at this point the ladies watching are all juicy for him and the Ugnaughts turn Han into a chocolate bar and he survives and Darth Vader screws over Lando some more but you can tell by the way Lobot looks at him that Lando’s got a plan.
Secrets At Long Last Revealed and Boxes Thrown Using Only The Mind
So then Luke shows up to save the day except he can’t because he sucks and never finished the training the training you must complete your training so he meets up with Darth Vader and they fight for a while with their lightsabers and Leia and Lando and Chewie escape from the Imperials and try to save Han but forget it cause Boba Fett’s a total badass and they totally missed him by like that much so they decide to find the Falcon and get away and Luke keeps fighting with Vader but Vader’s a badass too and not only knows how to lift boxes with his mind but also throw them, which he proceeds to do quite a lot and beats the hell out of Luke with whatever household objects are lying around and eventually Vader corners him and cuts off his hand and tells him something that makes Luke crap his pants and cry like a baby, he says, “I am your father.” And Luke says no, but Vader should know because he was once a whiny douche too before he got all beat up and the Emperor gave him that sweet armor but Luke is so pissed he jumps and eventually lands on a weathervane so in the end Lando and Leia and Chewie have to rescue HIM so good job there numbnuts and they try to leave but the hyperdrive still doesn’t work but at the last second R2-D2 fixes it and Luke gets a new hand and Lando and Chewie go looking for Boba Fett and Luke and Leia and the droids are all okay except for the fact that they’ve all just had a pretty sucky time but everything’s okay now except Luke has a fake hand and Han is a chocolate bar. THE END.
Revisionist History
Like all Star Wars films, George Lucas can’t resist tampering with The Empire Strikes Back. However, it suffers from less meddling than some of the others, mostly because director Irvin Kershner seemed to have some kind of idea as to what the hell he was doing.
1997 Special Edition
For the 1997 Theatrical Release, the following changes were made:
- They redid the wampa to make it look cooler
- They improved a few matte shots
- They put windows in Cloud City hallways and otherwise built it up
- When Luke jumps after Darth Vader’s revelation, he goes, “Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!” and it makes Luke even lamer
- They added a few shots of Darth Vader’s shuttle leaving Cloud City and arriving on the Executor so it wasn’t like, “Wow, how’d he get there so fast,” even though I’m not sure anyone was really bothered by that to begin with. I mean, it was never much the subject of heated fan debate or anything
2004 DVD Release
George’s tweaking knows no bounds. WHAT DO YOU WANT, BLOOD? I AM NOT MADE OF MONEY, GEORGE.
- They replaced Boba Fett’s voice with the guy from the prequels
- They got the guy that played the Emperor in all the other films to reshoot the hologram scene to be consistent, which would have been cool but they messed around with the dialogue a bit and screwed it all up just enough to kinda suck, actually
